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13

Feb

Painful Truths about Women

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From an early age, my mother used to tell me, “Jord, it hurts to be beautiful” over my cries as she violently yanked and pulled my long hair into French braids each morning. What she should have told me is that “it hurts to be a woman”! Being a woman can be exhausting work. For years society has put forward this idea that women should be soft, warm, beautiful, well put together and on our best behavior at all times. The modern day woman strives to be all of those things while being successful with a career of her own, money of her own and intelligence to boot. Well I’m here to say once and for all, "shiiiiiiit guys, give us a break!". We are not perfect. We do absurd things ALL THE TIME. So men, while you’re on your odyssey to find the perfect woman to make your perfect wife with all the qualities you have written in stone, remember the following: We are humans and here are our truths. Brace yourselves, this is going to be tough to read.

Painful Truths About Women

1. We don’t always look as good in real life as we do on Instagram.Those filters on Instagram are the poor girl’s photoshop. We’ve learned exactly how to make ourselves look practically flawless- LIKE GISELE HOT even, thanks to the “Walden, Valencia, Sierra and Brannan" filters. MOST of social media is false advertisement. (Much like the chicken cutlet inserts I stuff my bra with).

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2. We poop. I know, mind blowing isn’t it?? Did you really think that the copious amounts of quinoa and hummus we eat just magically digests into thin air? What goes in must come out. And it comes out in the form of poop. All girls do it. Rihanna does it. Jessica Alba does it. Angelia does it. Hell, I do it- 3-5 times a day even! The sooner you just accept the fact that girls poop and SOME girls aren’t afraid to talk about it (me), the happier the rest of your life will be. image

3. Flowers don’t fix all our problems. When you screw up, it’s going to take a lot more than flowers to fix it. Flowers are a temporary fix because, just like my love for you, they have a shelf life- an expiration date, if you will. Sure, they’re pretty and I like the way the look in a vase on my kitchen table, but after a few days they start to molt, petals make a huge ass mess that we know you’re not going to clean up and then all of a sudden my kitchen starts to smell like rotting butt cheese. Instead of wasting $60 bucks on petunias that’ll last 4 days, just don’t be a douchebag in the first place. However, come home with an Urban Outfitters gift card aaaaand we’ll talk. 

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4. Sometimes we fake it. There’s really not a whole lot I feel like I need to say about this particular truth. All I will say is- Guys, if you know what you’re doing you’ll never have to question a potential “performance” from your girl. If you ever have to question the authenticity of her ecstasy, step your game up, kid. 

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(Guys everywhere, INSTANTLY so insecure!) 

5. We are just as turned off by “THE THIRST” as you are. Men are constantly complaining about how “thirsty” or “desperate” women are but I have got to tell you, men are JUST as bad. If I was as ruthless as some women are, I’d posts some screen shots of my Facebook inbox. Dudes don’t like to take no for an answer. They also don’t pick up on the fact that if you ignore every single one of their attempts to talk to you for an entire year, you’re not interested. That type of desperate behavior GROSSES US OUT. We don’t want you to make getting to know you difficult, but we also appreciate a LITTLE bit of mystery and as usual, be an alpha male for goodness sakes. DON’T BEG- DON’T CRY- DON’T BE GROSS. 

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6. We are just as capable of shoveling the yard as you are. So do the dishes once in awhile. This isn’t 1947, women are strong. Some of us even workout. A woman’s place isn’t JUST in the kitchen, it’s all over the damn house- even in the yard. We don’t mind helping you shovel or mow the lawn, so throw us a bone once in a while and do the dishes without us asking you too. Hey, you might even get rewarded. I promise you, nothing gets a girl more worked up and sexually charged than seeing a man help his girl out without being prompted to do so. 

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7. We want your body to stay in shape just as bad as you want us to keep it tight.It’s not that I’m completely vain okay, i am  it’s just that, we’d prefer it if you took care of yourself, physically. I know what guys talk about and I’ve heard my guy friends complain when their girlfriends let go of their bodies once they get comfortable. We feel the same way. You don’t want US to get sloppy and we don’t want you to get sloppy either. I often say the things that all of you think but you just feel like a real ass actually saying out loud. SO, I’m just going to go ahead and say it. We all want to be with someone who looks good. Someone that physically draws us in and keeps our attention. Someone that lights our fire. So guys, Planet Fitness is LITERALLY $10 a month. Make it happen. 

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I HAVE NO WORDS FOR THIS . 

8. We’re not impressed with your stories about binge drinking, how much money you make or how well endowed you are.Stop telling us how hammered you got last night. We don’t care that you brought in 90K last year okay well maybe a little bit. If you have to talk about how big your “piece” is, we instantly think “baby carrot”. Hearing how quickly you pounded a 30 rack of Bud Lite “without even puking” does NOT make me want to give up the goods OR date you OR impress me in the least. Know what does impress me? 

Integrity. Honesty.  Humbled confidence. Empathy. Kindness. Intelligence. Knowing what any of these words even mean. Spelling words right. 

OH..and Abs. We like abs. I like abs. I love abs. AND shoulders. And traps. And quads. And Channing Tatum. 

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So my friends, there it is. Women, though intricate, tricky and sometimes downright frustrating, aren’t all that tough to figure out. The best way to figure out a woman is to talk to her. Don’t just ask her questions and nod at the appropriate times, we know when you’re not listening. Really pay attention to what we say, be attentive and get to know us. Some of us have a lot going for us and are worth spending some time on….

JUST SAYING. 

Happy Valentines Day!!